January 23, 2009 Write a Love Letter..to anyone

My Dearest Grandchild:

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love you. You are the manifest of everything that makes me a feminine spirit with boundless love for a child. You have no idea how much you have awakened my soul.

I loved your father when he was my little boy, and of course I wanted only the best for him. But there is something much different about having the-child-of-my-child to love. Maybe it's because I never had a grandmother to love me. I never knew what that was like. I always resented and envied the kids around me who had grandmothers. They were always going to Grandmom's house for holiday, or recieving presents from Grandmom, or talking about how, when their grandmother died, they were so very, very sad. I even envied them because they knew someone who had died! I wondered what that was like as well.

So when I saw you for the first time, I felt a sting of pride knowing that you will never know that envy, that longing for someone who loves you so unconditionally. Someone who gives you a little break from your daily routine but who loves you just as much as your own mother and father do. Maybe more. Believe me, it's possible, though your parents may not agree.

I knew I wanted to be that grandmother that I never had. I never knew I would love the role so much, in fact, I secretly thought I would resent it. But no, not for a moment. Never.

Alexander, you were my first. When you were little you cried and cried for so long and so hard that I felt that my very essence was being ripped out of my soul and flung to the far reaches of the world. You were in pain, we could see that. Your poor mother and father were besides themselves with exhaustion and worry. What could be hurting you so? My heart broke for you. In time, of course, the crying stopped and it turned out to be colic. It seems trivial, but if you have ever had a gas pain in your abdomen that brings you to your knees, and you think about a tiny baby having to undergo that pain, it almost takes your breath away.

And the first time I ever saw you smile, you did just that. You took my breath away. I remember the exact moment. You were in your Daddy's arms, sitting on his hip. I came in the front door and you regarded me seriously for a moment. Then, your eyes flew wide with recognition and you smiled at me. My heart leapt and I fell instantly, irretrievably, head over heels in love. Oh what a beautiful moment. And there has been one beautiful moment after the next ever since.

And Austin, I remember the first time I met you too. You had a shaggy haircut, and it made you look adorable. You stood just inside our doorway, with your finger to your mouth, eyes down, afraid to look at us. We tried to get you to talk to us but you were painfully shy. Of course, this brought out the PROTECTOR in John and he was smitten immediately. You became his project. He wanted to show you how much you were wanted and loved. We accepted you as our own just as my in-laws had accepted my boys before you. You sat on the steps, it was the fourth step from the bottom, and you put your chin in your hands, your elbows resting on your knees. Your big brown eyes took in everything that was going on below, and you reserved your judgement.
And then, one day, a while later, I read you a book. It was called "Hey Little Ant" and you couldn't believe that the story ended with you, the reader, having to make a humane decision about the ant. You cried out "I love this book" and my heart said "I love this little boy" and I did, Austin, I truly did. And as I watch you grow into a big boy, I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us because Austin, I truly believe you are a sensitive and caring soul who is destined for very great things. You will be president one day, if you want it. You will save lives, or make them better. You will be The One they look up to. You, and the "white man" you tell us about all the time. The man who, I suspect, is not a white man, but a man bathed in white light. I think he is your guardian angel, your spirit guide, and he will see to it that you do great things.

And Adrienne. I have waited a lifetime for a little girl and here you are. I saw you in the hospital when you were just hours old. We waited in that hospital for you all night and finally, finally, you were here! Your smile is radiant, your personality defiant. You, little lady, will never be well behaved and good for you! Well behaved women rarely make history! You are living life on your own terms at the age of two, and wow, I can scarcely believe how smart and intuitive you are. You are a beautiful little girl, and you are well loved. I know that the Irish mother who raised me, and the Irish mother who is raising you, and the Irish mother who raised your daddy will always be together, looking out for you, watching over you. And someday, you will be an Irish mother too, if you want that, and you will have a wee one of your own to raise. Good, strong Irish women..may we be them, may we raise them....may we love them. Adrienne, you are the little girl of my dreams. Do you know why you have a special bond with your Uncle Jay? Because the Blessed Mother showed you to him while you were in heaven. Ask him about it sometime, he'll tell you all about it. It's a fascinating, true story.

My heart bursts at the thought of spending even a few minutes of time with my grandchildren, and I am so blessed, and fortunate to be young enough to enjoy them for a time to come, God willing, and old enough, finally, to really know how to love.